I'm going to give you a flip through soon, it's going to be the next video I upload, um I've already filmed it and everything, I just have to edit it, um so you can get a whole flip through, so you can see every single page inside of the reading journal and see what it's like in case you're putting off buying it because you don't know what the inside is like then you can see for yourself. But yeah, I'm really really excited about it.

I've been like thinking about and focusing on recent stuff but yeah, I feel like that's kind of every update that I have for you at the moment. I also completely forgot to mention this, but I'm seeing BTS in concert on December 1st, so I'm really excited about that too. That's another big thing that I'm doing, that's literally like less than two weeks away at this point.

So, um yeah, if you see me at the BTS concert in LA, say hi, I'm gonna vlog the entire thing, I'm so excited, I can't believe I'm finally going to see them. But yeah, I I'm just glad that I felt good enough today to talk to you all a little bit. It always makes me feel better, so I don't know why I always put it off because it truly was cathartic for me and this made me feel a lot better.

So, hopefully for some of you listening, this helped you a little bit if you haven't been feeling the best like I was talking about earlier how I get like really comparative with myself, I judge myself and I feel like I'm not good enough at this or that. But I think I've been trying to like get myself to refocus, that and think like what am I good at, like what is it that makes me different from other people that sets me apart in a way that makes me me.

For me personally, is that I'm good at talking to people and I think people like listening to what I have to say so sometimes when I get caught up in my head and I'm like we have to make something super artistic and beautiful and visually pleasing, and just well-crafted, and I put a lot of pressure on myself for that when it comes to like making videos and stuff. Have to refocus myself and remind myself like what you're good at is talking to people and sharing your experiences and sharing your stories and your thoughts and people resonate with that and that's what I need to focus on, and that's what I would like to continue bringing to the table.

Because I think the connection that I can build with people is like really special, and a lot of you have made me feel that way, and I hope that some of you feel that way as well. So yeah, I feel like this video was super nonsensical, and I'm sorry if it didn't make any sense at all, and was all over the place and super scattered.

But um, I hope that it at least brought you some comfort, and um, it was good to see you again, and good to talk to you again even though I don't really get to see you. But you know what I mean. But yeah, thank you all so much for watching this video, if you'd like to follow me on any of my social media, all my links are in the description box as always.

I do have new videos coming for you and new stuff coming for you and I'm very, very excited to share it all with you, and I look forward to seeing you all again soon. And you will see me again soon, I promise this time um but thank you for always giving me the time I need, I love you all so dearly

"WEBVTTKind: captionsLanguage: eni'm drinking out of a mug that says bookworm and proud even though i haven't read a book in like  two months still a bookworm and proud though it's been a long time i haven't filmed anything since  i think august um and it is like the middle of november right now i legitimately just woke up  um i haven't even had my breakfast yet um i do however have to have my vitamin c and uh vitamin  d because like the true vampire that i am now i literally don't see the sun anymore i never  go outside um and so i need to take vitamin d supplements so that you know i don't dieokay now that i've gotten my daily dose of the sun it's really weird doing this again it's really  been so long since i filmed anything i genuinely had no intentions of filming anything because i  have two videos that i've been trying to edit for like two months um that i haven't been able  to get through edits on uh just because i've had no motivation or will to do anything but today  i finally feel a little bit better i've been feeling a little bit better for the past like  couple weeks but like not good enough to like film and like be present very much online hence why  i haven't been but now i feel like i'm starting to get over that and i i feel like talking i want to  talk which is a good thing my voice is really hoarse this morning hold on i need more water  so i was thinking of doing like a q a type of thing but i didn't ask anyone for any questions  because i don't feel like asking anyone for any questions and i just want to give you like a  little bit of a life update but you know where i'm at what i've been doing i'm going to file my nails  the whole time i do this this is very casual if you couldn't tell like i said spontaneous i didn't  plan this um i caught my i'm dropping everything i i cut my nails yesterday because i was playing  the piano and they were way too long and it wasn't working so now they're just a mess because i cut  them and i didn't file them i really need to fix them so that's what i'm going to be doing as i'm  talking to also sometimes when i'm talking about difficult things it's hard to just like you know  look in the camera and directly focus on what you're talking about so i need a bit of a  distraction hence the nails but yeah anyway um my life update where have i been for the past couple  of months i uploaded a video and then kind of just disappeared even though i had intentions of um  uploading very consistently and doing a lot more stuff which i know i always say like i come up  with a plan for myself and then something happens that alters my mood or my life or whatever and  then i just can't um and i disappear for a little bit and that happened again and you know like i  am always trying to work on that but sometimes things are out of your control and i have a very  complicated relationship with being online and being a social creator and i have still yet to  find the perfect balance for how much of myself i feel comfortable putting online and how much  of myself i want to keep private what parts of myself do i share how much is over sharing how  much is not sharing enough and i i don't know what that balance is i'm still trying to figure  that out even after six years of doing this i don't think i know what that is and i don't know  that i have like an entirely healthy relationship with creating content in this way and i'm still  trying to figure that out so i appreciate all of you who always tell me to take the time i need  to focus on myself when i have to because um it really does scare me that like one day nobody's  gonna come back if i take a break um or take some time off because they're just gonna get tired of  me because there's someone else who's newer and shinier and um better at doing this whole thing  than i am because there are plenty of people who are all of those things but sometimes it starts  to take like a real toll on me and then i get like really comparative and very insecure and i really  did not used to be like this and i think ever since i started doing youtube and especially since  i started taking youtube way more seriously like this mentality has kind of completely overtaken  the way that i view youtube and creating content and just myself and social media and  everything and it's become so toxic and i just genuinely like don't know how to overcome it  like i try my best and i do have some like coping mechanisms but it always just seems to come back  because we live in a society that just by nature and by nature of what i do want here anyway  um you just are compared to everybody else you everyone's comparing you to everyone else and  you're always comparing you to everyone else and it's so hard to not do that one of my  least favorite things in um like relationships and friendships especially is when people like compare  themselves to you like when friends start to get like competitive with each other and start like  saying well you're like this and i'm not like this and like putting themselves down because of it or  just like constantly feeling like jealous of their friends and stuff like that's one of my  least favorite types like relationship dynamics if you will like i don't like when relationships get  like that it really really bothers me because i have never been that way i've never been the  type of person who was super jealous of friends or like people around me and i was never super  comparative until recently i noticed myself not getting jealous of friends because we'll get onto  the topic of friends in a little bit um but like just getting super super comparative and i think  it's in part because of some relationships that i've had in my life and also in part because of  youtube and social media and everything and my hair is such a mess that i literally slept on it  while it was wet like two nights ago and i haven't like done anything with it because i haven't been  leaving my house or seeing anybody so i haven't tried to like look presentable in a while so i  hope my hair looks okay-ish if it doesn't we're dealing with it being messy i don't care anyway  that tangent aside what i was saying is that i've noticed that some of these relationships that i'd  had in my life had like deeply affected me beyond ways that i think i'd ever even noticed and now  i'm starting to notice that like i'm becoming so competitive with things that i was never  competitive about before and things that i never compared myself about before and now suddenly they  matter so much when they never mattered before and it's just really really hard to deal with  yourself becoming the type of person that you couldn't stand um and i feel like that's kind  of one of the things i've been going through a lot lately and it's just been i don't know painful to  come to terms with and painful to just try and get over i don't think a single relationship in  my life like specifically made me this way or anything like that but i think just having that  type of energy around me in different environments around different people eventually influenced me  more deeply than i thought it had and it has now affected the way i think about things and now  i have sometimes become the type of person who gets like really comparative in a way that i don't  want to be ever the thing is i say that but i have always compared myself to other people it's just  now i'm comparing myself to other people in ways that i didn't use to compare myself so maybe it's  just my old mentality um shifting and adapting and lashing onto something new which i think um  is very common for people with um eating disorders like a lot of the time like your behaviors will  just like shift and adapt you kind of just change things that you used to do into something else but  it's basically the same thing it just adapted to your new thought process or your new environment  or whatever it is and i think that's just translating over into this aspect of my life now  so yeah that's one thing i have been struggling with a lot lately i've talked about it a little  bit on instagram i haven't really been posting on there either but in the time that i have  i have talked about it a little bit and talked about how it's really hard to watch other people  function when you just feel like you can't and like you just don't know what's wrong or  like how to get yourself out of it and i feel like that's definitely one of the things i've  been comparing myself in a lot recently like i just see other people going about their day and  doing things even if they're sad even if they're depressed or struggling a lot with um aspects of  their life or anything but they're still doing it and i used to be able to do it and lately i  just i couldn't i couldn't i couldn't do anything and i've always been very much an advocate for  letting yourself not do when you can't because i feel like that's the way that you can like  overcome things sometimes you really do have to push yourself through it otherwise you really get  stuck and then you just you can't move at all anymore but sometimes you really do have to let  yourself just not do anything for a little while because you've been doing way too much for way  too long way too quickly and for me i think this time around honestly like it was a combination of  both like i really had to let myself not do for a while but i'm now at a point where i'm like  if you keep doing this you're gonna stay stuck like forever and i think that's kind of where my  head space has been at i know this all sounds like really sad and like i sound like i'm being like  really harsh on myself or i'm just like a really bad negative thought spiral and it's not like  i'm not in a negative spiral um but i do want to emphasize that i do feel much better than i used  to feel me last month wouldn't have even been able to sit here and talk about any of this i would  have just been crying the entire time and i just would have been feeling like completely miserable  but now i like feel that cloud in my head clearing up a little bit i feel myself starting  to feel again and starting to i don't know want things again and want to try again and it's nice  to not feel so so hopeless and helpless um and isolated like i used to the thing that i feel like  i'm still struggling with more than anything else is this like deep-seated feeling of loneliness  that i have also talked about a little bit on instagram i think everybody's been feeling  this to varying degrees but especially since covid like because everyone has had to be so  isolated and alone by nature of the situation um everyone's been feeling like incredibly lonely  and incredibly isolated and i feel like a lot of people they've also shared with me and like dms  and stuff about their own personal experiences of like losing friendships and um relationships and  stuff that was like really difficult for them and very much heightened by and exacerbated by kovid  and i feel like i've definitely felt a lot of that myself and that's been so so hard for me i don't  want to talk about this for too long because um it just genuinely does make me very sad and i had a  good crying session about it the other night but i have always talked about how like friendships  are like the most important thing in the world to me and um they like matter to me more than  anything else and like friendship is one of the biggest values in my life and like i have always  put so much weight in my relationships with my friends and the people i surround myself with have  always been so important to me and they've always supported me and i've never felt lonely because i  don't have friends i felt lonely for other reasons but i've never felt lonely because i don't have  my group of friends and for the first time in my life i have felt so incredibly lonely because i  feel like i don't have people to turn to again i don't want to talk about this for very long  and it's not like i don't have anyone in my life i want to make that clear it's not like i don't have  anybody to turn to i do and i'm very very very grateful for the people i do have in my life butit's really hard to lose people that you thought would always be around it's really hard to have  some of those people around but not have them in the way you used to have them whether that's  because of distance or communication or whatever it is it's so hard to watch these relationships  change so drastically and to feel like you can never have what you had before back it's  been very hard for me part of it has absolutely been my own doing because of my own like coping  mechanisms when i feel bad i isolate myself and i just don't talk to anyone which is terrible and  it has definitely contributed to my loneliness and has made me feel way more lonely and way more sad  however there are other like factors as well and it has made me feel very very very alone  in a way that i have not ever felt before and i think that's one of the biggest reasons  i have had such a hard time doing anything in the past few months so yeah uh we're gonna leave  that there but i just wanted to talk about that and say that like that's something i have been  dealing with and i want all of you to know that if you feel that way if you feel lonely if you feel  like you have lost people in your life who are very important to you and technically they're  still there but they're not there in the way they used to be anymore you're not alone i don't have  a solution for you i just i just want you to know that like it happens um people will come  and go people will change you will change and everything isn't going to stay the same and that  can be really really sad and it's okay to feel really sad about that but it doesn't mean that  it'll never be happy again people don't talk about how much relationships affect you like friendships  um specifically non-romantic relationships affect you in the same way that they talk about romantic  relationships and i've talked about this before i think in a video briefly but like  it's it's just as painful i think to lose someone and okay like technically i can't say this because  i've never been through like a very very intense romantic breakup but like i fully fully believe  that friendships ending can be just as painful when you've known people for like basically your  entire life and that relationship somehow comes to like a really messy messy end or even just  like a very slow like fade out that can be really painful and it can affect you for a long long time  anyway that's that i had other things i wanted to talk about i feel like in general i just haven't  updated you all on like my life recently or like what i've been doing over the past few months or  even like what i was doing a few months prior to these past few months and like i feel like i had  a lot of new experiences and like i did a bunch of things that i just like didn't really talk to you  all about um and one of those things which like semi-related to what i was talking about before  is that like i started dating which was very interesting um i didn't want to talk about it when  it was happening because i i just didn't want to i like to keep certain things in my life private  um but like i did start dating downloaded the apps just one app went on a couple of dates  they did not end well but that was like a new interesting thing um i experienced  i am 24 years old i turn 25 next month and i'd never really been on a real date yeah it was a  very new experience for me don't say i wouldn't recommend because like i learned things but like  at the same time it wasn't fun it was kind of entertaining it was a little bit entertaining  got some good laughs out of it got some good tears out of it can relate to um some taylor  swift lyrics a little bit more now just a little bit like not like not really not like i went  through a heartbreak um but like it was you know it was a good experience it was a good learning  experience but yeah that's something new that i've done in the past few months i did delete the app  i got very tired of it um and i don't know might re-download it at some point again but not not  in the near near future because yeah i need some time to move on from those things but speaking of  taylor swift her uh red album taylor's version came out the other day my camera very rudely  died while i was in the middle of talking about taylor swift so i don't know where that got me  off but i listened to red taylor's version and i am obsessed with it um red was never my favorite  taylor swift album my favorite taylor swift album is speak now so when that re-recording comes out  don't talk to me i'm gonna lose my mind when we get enchanted re-recorded i can't think about it  right now we're talking about red i'm obsessed with the 10 minute version of all too well my  favorite lyric is probably um the second part of the bridge where she says they say all's well that  ends well but i'm in a new hell every time you double cross my mind i'm obsessed with that line  i think it's so good the vault tracks from this album are so good i'd heard better man before but  i'm obsessed with better man and i am in love with i bet you think about me the music video is great  but like nothing new that song has taken me out it's taken me out like completely i'm obsessed  with it sometimes i think i might like it more than all too well it might be in my top five  favorite taylor swift songs of all time at this point it's so good i'm obsessed i'm truly truly  obsessed it's it's an incredible re-recording um i i love it i can't wait for all the other ones  um but yeah i've been having the best time crying like that's that's all i need sometimes and taylor  swift delivers every time every time i need a good cry just put on a taylor swift song and it  does the job also dylan o'brien playing jake gyllenhaal in the um short film destroyed me  dylan o'brien was literally like my first love i was like in love with him in teen wolf i was  never like into celebrities before that but then i watched uh teen wolf and i became obsessed with  dylan o'brien and i watched everything he was in as did like every other teen at the time um  but yeah so when i found out that he was gonna play jake gyllenhaal in this short film i lost  my mind a little bit this really like brought me back into like 2012 like fully i felt like i was  fully reliving the year 2012 because like dylan o'brien was on my screen again i was listening  to red i was literally in my sophomore year of high school again like that's literally  that's exactly what happened it truly felt like i time traveled um and it was a great experience and  now i can't wait to go back to eighth grade um and listen to speak now taylor's version  so can't wait for that to come out what are some other things i've been doing i've been painting  a lot recently partially because i decided to paint something for my best friend's um birthday  i wanted to paint her something so she could put it in her room because she had recently redone  her room that's what initially inspired it so i i painted something for her and then i got like  super into it because i hyper fixate on things and i got super into it so i kept painting and  i've been working on this painting of a scene from hal's moving castle it's not finished yet at the  time of me filming this and probably won't be by the time i upload it because i still have a little  bit to do it's almost done but yeah it's this um scene of the like cottage in the like meadow and  house woven castle it's one of my favorite scenes in the entire movie i just think it's so beautiful  so i decided to paint it i'm really proud of it because uh this is like the third painting i've  ever done fourth or for the third painting i've ever done in my entire life and the second time  i've ever like tried to paint the other times were like just messing around for fun mostly  and this was the actual like besides the one i did for my friend the first time i really really tried  to paint something i'm pretty proud of myself for someone who doesn't really have much  skill or experience in painting i feel like it's turned out pretty well so far  so that's been really fun and yeah apart from that i've just been playing some music and um getting  ready for my reading journal to come out uh which has been super super exciting and also  been causing me a lot of anxiety so if you don't know i have a reading journal called the  clockwork reader reading journal being released this december the original publication date was  actually um supposed to be september 7th but the date has changed now it was pushed back to  the 14th and now it's pushed back to the 21st of december because of all of the shipping delays  that have been happening in publishing it's really hit publishing super super hard so it's  been a really big deal and it's pushed back a lot of release dates for things so yeah it ended up  affecting the journal which is really sad um but thankfully it's still coming out before christmas  um so you can get it before christmas if you would like to and before the new year which is  really important so that like you can start the journal at the beginning of the new year if you'd  like to even though it's not like a yearly journal you can start it whenever you'd like  um but it's nice to have one at the beginning of the year or at least i think so so yeah the  reading journal is coming out in um like about a month a little bit over a month now and i'm so  excited and so stressed out um i'm probably gonna do some like heavy-ish promotion in the coming um  weeks because it is coming out soon so please um look forward to that i hope you're all excited  about the reading journal i am so excited about this reading journal i could cry i will cry when  i finally see it in stores and stuff and if you've pre-ordered it already thank you  so so much that really means a lot to me and it really helps out a lot but yeah i'm very very  excited about the reading journal i'm going to give you a flip through very soon it's going to  be the next video i upload um i've already filmed it and everything i just have to edit it um so you  can get a whole flip through so you can see every single page inside of the reading journal and see  what it's like in case you're putting off buying it because you don't know what the inside is like  then you can see for yourself but yeah i'm really really excited about it so that's the other thing  i've been like thinking about and focusing on recently but yeah i feel like that's kind of every  update that i have for you at the moment i also completely forgot to mention this but i'm seeing  bts in concert on december 1st so i'm really excited about that too that's another big thing  that i'm doing that's literally like less than two weeks away at this point so um yeah if you see me  at the bts concert in la say hi i'm gonna vlog the entire thing i'm so excited i can't believe  i'm finally gonna see them but yeah i i'm just glad that i felt good enough today to talk to you  all a little bit it always makes me feel better so i don't know why i always put it off because  it truly this like was cathartic for me and this made me feel a lot better so hopefully for some of  you listening this helped you a little bit if you haven't been feeling the best like i was talking  about earlier how i get like really comparative with myself i judge myself and i feel like i'm  not good enough at this or that but i think i've been trying to like get myself to refocus that and  think like what am i good at like what is it that i do that is different from other people that sets  me apart in a way that makes me me and i feel like that thing for me personally is that i'm  good at talking to people and i think people like listening to what i have to say so sometimes when  i get caught up in my head and i'm like we have to make something super artistic and beautiful and  like visually pleasing and just like well crafted and i put a lot of pressure on myself for that  when it comes to like making videos and stuff i have to refocus myself and remind myself like what  you're good at is talking to people and sharing your experiences and sharing your stories and  your thoughts and people resonate with that and that's what i need to focus on and that's what i  bring to the table and that's what i would like to continue bringing to the table  because i think that the connection that i can build with people is like really special and  a lot of you have made me feel that way and i i hope that some of you feel that way as well  so yeah i feel like this video was super nonsensical and i'm sorry if it didn't make  much sense at all and was all over the place and super scattered but um i hope that it at  least brought you some comfort and um it was good to see you again and good to talk to you  again even though i don't really get to see you but you know what i mean but yeah thank you all  so much for watching this video if you'd like to follow me on any of my social media all my links  are in the description box as always i do have new videos coming for you and new stuff coming for you  and i'm very very excited to share it all with you and i look forward to seeing you all again  soon and you will see me again soon i promise this time um but thank you for always giving me  the time i need i love you all so dearly and i will see you in my next video byeyou\n"