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Hot Wheels!

But frick, what are these things? I ran across 'em back in the day and thought, Whoa! I want these because I like floppy disks, I like Hot Wheels, and I like Wienermobiles from Oscar Mayer.

Because plastic food-shaped vehicles made solely for marketing tube steaks appeals to me. Plus, I thought it would be great to be able to whip it out and say,

"WEBVTTKind: captionsLanguage: enHot Wheels!But frick, what are these things?I ran across 'em back in the day and thought,Whoa!I want thesebecause I like floppy disks,I like Hot Wheels,and I like Wienermobilesfrom Oscar Mayer.Because plastic food-shaped vehiclesmade solely for marketing tube steaks appeals to me.Plus, I thought it would be greatto be able to whip it out and say,\"Wanna see my wiener?\"But anyway, unlike their typical cheap, die-cast vehicles,these wheels of the hot varietycost a few dollars more and came with a floppy disk.Which was kind of amazing to my then-10-year-old self.1996 brought about the releaseof six total Computer Cars,as Mattel called them.You had recreations of the Wienermobile,the 1996 Mustang GT,the '93 Chevy Camaro,and three fictional cars:Power Pistons, Hydroplane, and Rigor-Motor.Each one of them came with their own floppy,filled with things like interactive comic strips,collector's facts,laboratories and snack bars,and a freaking hot dog space adventure.What kid obsessed with computersand cars wouldn't want this?Sure worked on me!And from the back of the package,it looked like there was endless stuff to do.I mean, look at these system requirements.It required a system!And your experience just wouldn't becomplete unless you had all six cars,either by buying them new or trading them.But honestly, who traded Hot Wheels cars?I know I didn't.They were MY cars, and I was greedy.Plus, the other kids' cars were always scratchedand full of sand and boogers anyway.But yeah, we're here for the software,and if you're a collector, you may want to turn away now.Because inside the package you got a carof more or less typical How Wheelsbuild-quality of the time period,and which may or may notplay well with Hot Wheels tracks.And then you got the yellow 3½-inchhigh-density floppy disk itself.We'll take a look at three of them here,since they're all just slight tweaks of the same formula.Start any one of them up and you get a simple introfeaturing whichever car you'd chosen,and the Hot Wheels logo.So if you somehow had confused this with Matchbox,you're an idiot, and now stand corrected.Next, you're greeted with a simple yet stylized menugiving you access to the floppy disk's myriad features.And by that, I mean three things.The first of which is an interactivelist of quote-unquote \"facts\"about the current vehicle.Did you know the Wienermobileweighs 100,000 hot dogs,is 55 hot dogs long,and is fueled by high-octane mustard?Or that the Power Pistons carboasts 2500 horsepower at 75,000 RPMfrom a 9.2 liter V-12 engine?Pretty impressive stats all around, you have to admit,especially for 1:64 scale cars.After these downright dubious die-cast details,you get an interactive advertisement formore Hot Wheels products from Mattel.Because why waste an opportunity to marketto a captive audience of malleable children.Try out the Hot Wheels Spin-Out Set,The Hot Wheels Starter Track Set,with Hot Wheels Power Charger™ Booster,and look at all the other Hot Wheels cars you don't have!Because your parents don't want you to have fun,so you wait until your late-20sand blow your disposable income buying them on eBayand try to justify it by making a potentiallylackluster YouTube video about them.You also have an interactivecomic book for each vehicle,though the term \"interactive\" is used lightly,since it's more or less a visual novelwith a hopelessly simplisticmini-game tossed in the middle.Every one of them's basically the same.You get some dude behind thewheel of whatever vehicle it is,and things are going welluntil all of a sudden they aren't.Something happens and youneed to use the mouse to solve it.Whether it's avoiding a few pieces of popcorn in space,dodging headstones in a graveyard–even though you're Dracula andI really don't think that would hurt you–or traveling through space-time-bending wormholesthat take you back to the Dark Ages,just click or move the mouse atthe right time, and there you go.Nothing more to it unless you fail,and then you have to do it again until you don't.Beyond that, you get one moreinteractive section to play with,which you can do on your ownor you may be forced to do soafter failing the comic mini-game.These each have to do with modifyingor powering up your chosen automobile,and while it doesn't really make any permanent changes,it's something to do beyond just looking at a comicor clicking random things on thedashboard to see what moves.For instance, the Coffin Car has to bebrought to life like Frankenstein's Monsterin a secret lab straight out of a James Whale movie,the V-12 Supercar has to be loadedup with special fuel, oil and a batteryso it can travel through time,and the Wienermobile can beloaded up with condimentsthat make fart noises.You can guess which of these I prefer.And if you finish a comic strip,sometimes you get a little something extra,like this hot dog pianothat also happens to play a cheesy MIDI versionof the \"Oscar Mayer Wiener\" song.And that's it for the 1996 Hot Wheels Computer Cars.Like I said, there are other disksbut the gist remains exactly the same.You get vehicle factoids, a barely interactive comic strip,and a place to barely manipulate the vehicle,none of which are actually as interesting as they sound.But come on, now. Expecting much from theseis only setting yourself up for disappointment.They were cheap gimmicks that came with a cheap toymade in Macromedia Director on the cheap.Now, the only one I got to playwith as a kid was the Wienermobile,but I didn't give one single crap thatit was simplistic and monotonous.It was a novelty at a time whenanything about computers was excitingand hey, I was kid!It let me play with my Hot Wheels cars ina virtual environment, and that was new.Yeah, there were other Hot Wheelsgames out there, but I didn't have those.And yeah, games like Stunt Track Driverblew me away just a couple of years later.But at the time, this was insanely coolbecause it was tailored specificallyto the car you just bought.The same car you could hold in your handwhile you clicked the pixels on-screen.To me, that was the most awesome thing,and I had a blast.A very short-lived, childish blastthat is not very fun to go back to,but a blast nonetheless.And if you'd like some more nostalgia blasts to the face,well you're in the right place.Click on any of these in this space.I do videos every week.I'm not rhyming anymore.And if you'd like to subscribe,you can be notified when they happen.If not, you can also check me outon Twitter, Facebook, Patreon,and your local Dark Ages wormhole.And as always, thank you for watching.\n"