The Art of Bicycle Maintenance: A Rambling Guide to Tightening Opposites

As I sit here with my trusty Allen key, I find myself pondering the art of bicycle maintenance. It's a task that requires patience, attention to detail, and a willingness to get one's hands dirty. My current project, a bicycle in need of some TLC, has been taking up a significant amount of time lately. The process is quite satisfying, really – there's something delightful about watching the gears mesh together seamlessly.

As I work on my bike, I find myself distracted by thoughts of Mr. Kipling, the renowned cake maker. His confectionery delights are almost as impressive as my own cycling endeavors. In fact, I must confess that I have no personal connection with Mr. Kipling – we simply share a love for his delectable treats. But, I digress.

One of the most fascinating aspects of bicycle maintenance is the concept of opposites. As I work on my bike, I find myself employing techniques that are often counterintuitive to the task at hand. For instance, when tightening an Allen key, one would typically expect to turn it clockwise, only to discover that a gentle counterclockwise motion is required. It's this sort of unexpected twist that makes bicycle maintenance so delightful – it keeps me on my toes.

Of course, no discussion of bicycle maintenance would be complete without mentioning the importance of safety. As I work on my bike, I'm acutely aware of the potential dangers lurking about every corner. A momentary lapse in attention could result in a spectacular crash, as I recall one particularly memorable incident from my teenage years. Cornering at an alarming speed, I found myself hurtling toward a most unfortunate conclusion – a collision with a passing vehicle that left me shaken but fortunately unscathed.

As the hours tick by, my arm begins to protest the exertion. A muscle strain resulting from weightlifting has rendered my right arm somewhat...uncooperative. Ah, the price one pays for attempting to straighten one's back through sheer willpower! Despite this setback, I press on, driven by an insatiable curiosity about the intricacies of bicycle maintenance.

Now, as I work on adjusting the brake pads, I find myself pondering the intricacies of torque and leverage. The disc brake, much like any well-tuned instrument, requires precise calibration to function optimally. A misaligned pad, a miscalculated screw – these are the sorts of pitfalls that can render even the most carefully crafted bicycle rendering useless.

As I tighten the quick-release skewer, I am reminded of the delicate balance required in such tasks. Too little pressure, and the wheel remains stubbornly stuck; too much, and it flies off with alarming rapidity. The subtle give-and-take is essential to achieving that perfect harmony – a symphony of gears, springs, and levers working in concert to create a machine that purrs like a contented beast.

At last, the job is done, and I take a moment to appreciate my handiwork. As I gaze upon the gleaming wheel, adorned with its sparkling decals, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of satisfaction – a feeling that will doubtless linger until the next time I decide to tweak a bolt or two.

With a satisfied sigh, I rise from my stool and make my way to the kitchen in search of a Mr. Kipling treat. The tantalizing prospect of a chocolate cake awaits, a reward for my tireless efforts as I wrestle with the intricacies of bicycle maintenance. And so, with belly full and spirits high, I shall bid you adieu – until next time, when we'll once again embark upon this wondrous journey into the world of bicycles and...Mr. Kipling, perhaps?

"WEBVTTKind: captionsLanguage: enoh that was that was better hello halfords and other bicycle retailing establishments we know that you're inundated with people wanting their bikes mended or even assembled as everybody embraces cycling in these extraordinary times etc but what if you could put your bicycle together yourself well as it happens we're going to do exactly that because this is a bicycle that tom the director has bought for his son charlie for his birthday he's very excited it's imperative that we put it together now so let's begin with a pair of scissors we haven't opened this before we've no idea what's inside we just know it's a mountain bike made by totem it has derailleur gears and disc brakes that's all we know wait for it oh i say do you want to come in and have a look a new bicycle the most exciting thing you can buy okay here it comes are you ready bicycle wheel that looks quite good already doesn't it look it says gt sport on it bicycle beautiful right let's see what's in our box of exciting bits we get pedals disc for the front wheel i'm assuming screws probably for the disc bell brackets skewer and an instruction book hang on let me put the children's tv presented glasses on although obviously the manly thing to do is to eschew the instructions and toss them to one side we will need them because they will have correct tightening torques in them this is what we need it's a table of tightening torques here is a torque wrench for those of you who complained that i wasn't using one yes obviously i've got one i've got several in the last video i was trying to do a job with the sort of tools most people have in a cupboard under the stairs or under the sink most people don't have a 150 pound torque wrench why would they i do because i'm a pervert beautiful beautiful beautiful where's my wheel get off you bastard nice uh this is quite a modern bike so it's got uh it's it is actually a tapered stem this is all very nice first i have to remove these screws in the world of old-fashioned bikes you had to thread the handlebars through the stem and then attach all the brake levers gear levers bar ends everything else you wanted these you just clamp it straight into position which is nice because it means if you decide you want to shorten the stem which is a job with a hacksaw you can simply lift the handlebars off you don't have to disconnect any cables or anything like that i'm amazed it took the bike world as long as it did to think of this but there you go and that's now too tight so we will use the trusted domestic allen key set now this next bit is unannoyingly make sure we keep that the same way up that is the top geography of parts this is much easier if you have somebody to help you because what i have to do is the cables are a bit excessive in length on this but it's not a disaster once you've got one or two in you're absolutely fine i'm not doing them up tight yet before you start into the comment section again you're not using your tongue wrench i'm going to use this in a minute i'm merely putting these in loosely so that the handlebars don't fall on my head it's exciting isn't it so i'm doing those up no more than finger tight really obviously finger tight with an allen key but you know what i mean check we have them in the center and what should be the right sort of angle for a 13 year old 14 year old 13. i'm going to sound like an old person it seems like only 10 minutes ago that your boy charlie was crawling around the floor of man lab saying he needed a wee wee and now what he's probably got a girlfriend isn't he right these have to be done up to a torque of nine newton meters it's a good idea to use the correct tool rather than one that's too small but what i like to do because i'm a bit of a nerd so this is a very accurate torque wrench here's the newton-meter scale you rotate you see is it the numbers just go up and down it's quite gradual there's five there's six because it's important that these are done up evenly i'm going to be really really pedantic about this because the problem with the handlebars i've got this on one of my bikes if they're not evenly tightened up right from the beginning you end up when you're pedaling hard getting a little creak from here it's a tiny little tick and it's because it's it's more loaded at one point than the other it's not evenly clamped we don't like that crikey it's the rozzers it's the most exciting thing you can own because if you're my sort of age it was the most exciting thing you could have as a child the most exciting thing you could ever buy or be given for your birthday and bicycles are elemental transport i mean you you don't need any qualification to ride a bike you don't need any insurance you don't need to tax it it doesn't need to be registered and that's as it should be for all those people who think no bicycle owners need to pay insurance and have an m80 bonnet the idea of bicycle is that it's freedom at a most basic level all you really need is to eat a mars bar or a couple of bananas that's your fuel what's your take on non-professional cyclists dressing like they're leading the tour de france uh well i don't do that if you're getting back into bikes after a long absence or even if you've never ridden bikes before um if you're unsure ride on the pavement i've been saying this for about 25 years they do it in japan they do it in bits of germany they do it they do all over the continent as we must now call it i think it's fine if you're a nervous biker you ride carefully and accept the pedestrians have priority it's okay to ride on the pavement if you're confident you want to go quickly and be a proper roadie ride on the road and take your chances that seems like a fair deal to me i was once following a cyclist years ago i remember writing a column about this and he was wearing a t-shirt and on the back it said don't follow me follow jesus this is where i got the original idea for christian motoring from but he then proceeded to ride across the pavement and through a shopping center at immense speed in a very unjesusy manner so i thought jesus would probably want a word with you about that to be brutally honest now we're going to attach the front disc and again we're going to be very careful with torque because this is a critical component and what you don't want to do is warp it or twist it in any way otherwise it will jam the clearances are very very close in the little caliper here just as they would be on a motorcycle or a car so that is the disc in place we have a packet of screws here it is and these are six newton meters which doesn't sound like very much but there are six of them there are now five of them because i've dropped one those are the six screws that are going to retain the front disc i'm not actually sure why this bicycle would come without the front disc attached since it's rather critical component the torque is important and most people at home won't be equipped with something like this most important thing to do is reset this whilst you're thinking about it rather than forgetting and then doing these up too tight six newton meters finger tight first and we'll follow the same rule of tightening opposites down here is a treat for later on and to distract you whilst i do this because it's a bit dull there's a a couple of mr kippling battenberg slices we have no relationship with mr kipling well actually i don't think we do do we no we have no relationship with mr kipling we simply like his cakes and i recommend mr kipling's cakes of all sorts if you're doing bicycle maintenance you can set them as a as an objective you think when i've got the front wheel on and all trued up i'll have that one that funny clicking noise in the background by the way is my tesla recharging the onboard charger has a bit of a think there and then it makes a sort of noise have you ever had a spectacular bicycle crash oh yes i had a brilliant one when i was about 15. it was a sort of a badge of office to be able to corner your bicycles so hard and at such an immense lead angle that the pedals would hit the floor as you went round the corner and at first we got to the point where you would deliberately touch a pedal down so you got a little spark off the road that was that was cool and then we had a ben leading onto the road where our house was in fact which we called the fabulous bend because it was such a lovely shape and it went downhill and it turned left and it was actually slightly cambered almost like a racetrack so we used to belt down the hill and then throw the bike into that and get it further and further over every time until your elbow was almost on the deck and then one day i reached the limit and the bike went very suddenly from underneath me and then under a car that was coming the other way and i came out of it miraculously unscathed i think i sort of grazed my elbow i was most annoyed about scratching the bar tape on my bike because then just put it on and it had cost you know 35 pence i'm honest there's no point really using the torque venture that initial light tightening let's just use the allen key so i've pulled a muscle in my right arm by doing some weight lifting which has given me a slight i've hurt myself there so it makes everything a bit wobbly you didn't comment on that tom i've been doing some weight lifting i was just too astonished was this something to do with your bundes training in germany no it's because i had a stiff back and somebody said well actually if you lift weights i've got a couple of sort of ten pound dumbbells if you do stand up straight and do basic you know those weight lifts every morning it will actually straighten your back out and that's what i was expecting to do but all i've done it actually has hurt my arm so now i've got like sort of delirium tremens of the right arm as a result of trying to straighten my back out okay four newton meters for the initial titan four go to the opposite now we'll reset it to six and i'm going to reverse the sequence there you go we will now find out as i put the wheel into the forks if that is all square and true and beautiful but it should be sorry you did say please present the wheel and then obviously by the time it happened which was more than 30 seconds later i'd forgotten there it is just give that front axle a quick test that's that feels nice it doesn't feel sloppy it feels just slightly tight which is sort of how you want it on a new bike because it will bed in within a matter of 10 miles you will insert the quick release skewer lever on the disc side don't forget the little springs narrow end inwards with a bit of luck the nobody has squeezed the brake lever when this has been packaged up i certainly haven't touched it since we unpacked it the disc should go between the pads if it doesn't we'll have to find a soft item there we go if it doesn't do that you need to ease the pads apart don't ram a massive screwdriver and then try and find something ideally plastic or even a thin thin piece of hard wood tapered one side of a clothes peg does it quite well i think right good the bait the disc brake is out of adjustment because the wheel won't turn at all now that does at least mean the brake is going to work but that's okay we can uh there's no adjustment left in there we'll do that in the next episode i'm completely exhausted and i'd like to enjoy my mr kipling if i may see you soon for james builds tom's son's birthday bicycle in which we will attach the pedals and the saddle and then move on to final adjustments like comment go and yourself youoh that was that was better hello halfords and other bicycle retailing establishments we know that you're inundated with people wanting their bikes mended or even assembled as everybody embraces cycling in these extraordinary times etc but what if you could put your bicycle together yourself well as it happens we're going to do exactly that because this is a bicycle that tom the director has bought for his son charlie for his birthday he's very excited it's imperative that we put it together now so let's begin with a pair of scissors we haven't opened this before we've no idea what's inside we just know it's a mountain bike made by totem it has derailleur gears and disc brakes that's all we know wait for it oh i say do you want to come in and have a look a new bicycle the most exciting thing you can buy okay here it comes are you ready bicycle wheel that looks quite good already doesn't it look it says gt sport on it bicycle beautiful right let's see what's in our box of exciting bits we get pedals disc for the front wheel i'm assuming screws probably for the disc bell brackets skewer and an instruction book hang on let me put the children's tv presented glasses on although obviously the manly thing to do is to eschew the instructions and toss them to one side we will need them because they will have correct tightening torques in them this is what we need it's a table of tightening torques here is a torque wrench for those of you who complained that i wasn't using one yes obviously i've got one i've got several in the last video i was trying to do a job with the sort of tools most people have in a cupboard under the stairs or under the sink most people don't have a 150 pound torque wrench why would they i do because i'm a pervert beautiful beautiful beautiful where's my wheel get off you bastard nice uh this is quite a modern bike so it's got uh it's it is actually a tapered stem this is all very nice first i have to remove these screws in the world of old-fashioned bikes you had to thread the handlebars through the stem and then attach all the brake levers gear levers bar ends everything else you wanted these you just clamp it straight into position which is nice because it means if you decide you want to shorten the stem which is a job with a hacksaw you can simply lift the handlebars off you don't have to disconnect any cables or anything like that i'm amazed it took the bike world as long as it did to think of this but there you go and that's now too tight so we will use the trusted domestic allen key set now this next bit is unannoyingly make sure we keep that the same way up that is the top geography of parts this is much easier if you have somebody to help you because what i have to do is the cables are a bit excessive in length on this but it's not a disaster once you've got one or two in you're absolutely fine i'm not doing them up tight yet before you start into the comment section again you're not using your tongue wrench i'm going to use this in a minute i'm merely putting these in loosely so that the handlebars don't fall on my head it's exciting isn't it so i'm doing those up no more than finger tight really obviously finger tight with an allen key but you know what i mean check we have them in the center and what should be the right sort of angle for a 13 year old 14 year old 13. i'm going to sound like an old person it seems like only 10 minutes ago that your boy charlie was crawling around the floor of man lab saying he needed a wee wee and now what he's probably got a girlfriend isn't he right these have to be done up to a torque of nine newton meters it's a good idea to use the correct tool rather than one that's too small but what i like to do because i'm a bit of a nerd so this is a very accurate torque wrench here's the newton-meter scale you rotate you see is it the numbers just go up and down it's quite gradual there's five there's six because it's important that these are done up evenly i'm going to be really really pedantic about this because the problem with the handlebars i've got this on one of my bikes if they're not evenly tightened up right from the beginning you end up when you're pedaling hard getting a little creak from here it's a tiny little tick and it's because it's it's more loaded at one point than the other it's not evenly clamped we don't like that crikey it's the rozzers it's the most exciting thing you can own because if you're my sort of age it was the most exciting thing you could have as a child the most exciting thing you could ever buy or be given for your birthday and bicycles are elemental transport i mean you you don't need any qualification to ride a bike you don't need any insurance you don't need to tax it it doesn't need to be registered and that's as it should be for all those people who think no bicycle owners need to pay insurance and have an m80 bonnet the idea of bicycle is that it's freedom at a most basic level all you really need is to eat a mars bar or a couple of bananas that's your fuel what's your take on non-professional cyclists dressing like they're leading the tour de france uh well i don't do that if you're getting back into bikes after a long absence or even if you've never ridden bikes before um if you're unsure ride on the pavement i've been saying this for about 25 years they do it in japan they do it in bits of germany they do it they do all over the continent as we must now call it i think it's fine if you're a nervous biker you ride carefully and accept the pedestrians have priority it's okay to ride on the pavement if you're confident you want to go quickly and be a proper roadie ride on the road and take your chances that seems like a fair deal to me i was once following a cyclist years ago i remember writing a column about this and he was wearing a t-shirt and on the back it said don't follow me follow jesus this is where i got the original idea for christian motoring from but he then proceeded to ride across the pavement and through a shopping center at immense speed in a very unjesusy manner so i thought jesus would probably want a word with you about that to be brutally honest now we're going to attach the front disc and again we're going to be very careful with torque because this is a critical component and what you don't want to do is warp it or twist it in any way otherwise it will jam the clearances are very very close in the little caliper here just as they would be on a motorcycle or a car so that is the disc in place we have a packet of screws here it is and these are six newton meters which doesn't sound like very much but there are six of them there are now five of them because i've dropped one those are the six screws that are going to retain the front disc i'm not actually sure why this bicycle would come without the front disc attached since it's rather critical component the torque is important and most people at home won't be equipped with something like this most important thing to do is reset this whilst you're thinking about it rather than forgetting and then doing these up too tight six newton meters finger tight first and we'll follow the same rule of tightening opposites down here is a treat for later on and to distract you whilst i do this because it's a bit dull there's a a couple of mr kippling battenberg slices we have no relationship with mr kipling well actually i don't think we do do we no we have no relationship with mr kipling we simply like his cakes and i recommend mr kipling's cakes of all sorts if you're doing bicycle maintenance you can set them as a as an objective you think when i've got the front wheel on and all trued up i'll have that one that funny clicking noise in the background by the way is my tesla recharging the onboard charger has a bit of a think there and then it makes a sort of noise have you ever had a spectacular bicycle crash oh yes i had a brilliant one when i was about 15. it was a sort of a badge of office to be able to corner your bicycles so hard and at such an immense lead angle that the pedals would hit the floor as you went round the corner and at first we got to the point where you would deliberately touch a pedal down so you got a little spark off the road that was that was cool and then we had a ben leading onto the road where our house was in fact which we called the fabulous bend because it was such a lovely shape and it went downhill and it turned left and it was actually slightly cambered almost like a racetrack so we used to belt down the hill and then throw the bike into that and get it further and further over every time until your elbow was almost on the deck and then one day i reached the limit and the bike went very suddenly from underneath me and then under a car that was coming the other way and i came out of it miraculously unscathed i think i sort of grazed my elbow i was most annoyed about scratching the bar tape on my bike because then just put it on and it had cost you know 35 pence i'm honest there's no point really using the torque venture that initial light tightening let's just use the allen key so i've pulled a muscle in my right arm by doing some weight lifting which has given me a slight i've hurt myself there so it makes everything a bit wobbly you didn't comment on that tom i've been doing some weight lifting i was just too astonished was this something to do with your bundes training in germany no it's because i had a stiff back and somebody said well actually if you lift weights i've got a couple of sort of ten pound dumbbells if you do stand up straight and do basic you know those weight lifts every morning it will actually straighten your back out and that's what i was expecting to do but all i've done it actually has hurt my arm so now i've got like sort of delirium tremens of the right arm as a result of trying to straighten my back out okay four newton meters for the initial titan four go to the opposite now we'll reset it to six and i'm going to reverse the sequence there you go we will now find out as i put the wheel into the forks if that is all square and true and beautiful but it should be sorry you did say please present the wheel and then obviously by the time it happened which was more than 30 seconds later i'd forgotten there it is just give that front axle a quick test that's that feels nice it doesn't feel sloppy it feels just slightly tight which is sort of how you want it on a new bike because it will bed in within a matter of 10 miles you will insert the quick release skewer lever on the disc side don't forget the little springs narrow end inwards with a bit of luck the nobody has squeezed the brake lever when this has been packaged up i certainly haven't touched it since we unpacked it the disc should go between the pads if it doesn't we'll have to find a soft item there we go if it doesn't do that you need to ease the pads apart don't ram a massive screwdriver and then try and find something ideally plastic or even a thin thin piece of hard wood tapered one side of a clothes peg does it quite well i think right good the bait the disc brake is out of adjustment because the wheel won't turn at all now that does at least mean the brake is going to work but that's okay we can uh there's no adjustment left in there we'll do that in the next episode i'm completely exhausted and i'd like to enjoy my mr kipling if i may see you soon for james builds tom's son's birthday bicycle in which we will attach the pedals and the saddle and then move on to final adjustments like comment go and yourself you\n"