LGR - Isle of the Dead - DOS PC Game Review

"WEBVTTKind: captionsLanguage: enMore often than not,a lame game will make a fussand then disappear into the shadows.But then there are some gamesthat are of another caliber entirely.Games like Isle of the Dead,developed by Rainmaker Software, Inc.,and published by Merit Software in 1993.Yes, I've seen this one show up onseveral \"Worst Games of All Time\" lists,but does it really deserve that distinction?Well, it does have some exceptionallytawdry and misleading box art in its favor.You do at least play a dudeand there is a chick in the game,although they don't look anything like this.Not to mention this quote here.Yeah, I wouldn't sell your game usingwords like \"knock-off,\" but what do I know?It continues on the back as well with another quote:\"Arcade portion of the gameplays amazingly like Wolfenstein.\"Talk about potentially out of context.For all we know, the rest of it could say,\"But the adventure portion playslike a month-old Sasquatch turd.\"And yes, this is a weird hybrid of a game,blending both first-person shootingwith point-and-click adventure gaming.Takes balls to be truly innovative, so I'll give them that.But you know what they say:the bigger the balls the harder they fall.Inside the box, you get the game on a single CD-ROM,at least in this version,and a simple black-and-whitemanual that doesn't really tell youmuch of anything you couldn'tfigure out for yourself in-game.But wait, there's technically more,as there was a previous edition with differing box art.This version also came witha black-and-white comic bookthat explained the backstory of the game.I don't have this, but the storyis that you're Jake Dunbar,the sole survivor of a group that'scrashed their plane on an islandrun by an evil scientist who's making zombies.It also apparently provided some hintsas to where to find certain items in-game,so screw me for gettingthe wrong version, I guess.The game starts off with either a cheesy,uninteresting logo in the later version,or a cheesy, blood-soaked logo in the early version,followed by the game's credits consisting ofseveral people who appear to have never workedfor any game developer other than Rainmaker Software.From what I gather, this was thefirst game for several of these guysand many of them were from other industries,like developers for Creative Labsand comic book illustrators and such.I only mention this because... well, ha!I find it amusing how games likethis ever got made in the first place.I mean, where do they get the funding?I know they got it from Merit, but wh-whatconvinced them to give it to them? I don't know.You then get an option screen thatwouldn't look out of place in a golf game,allowing you to change somecontrol and difficulty options,turn off music and sound effects,and save and load your game.Exit the options and you're dropped right into the gamewhere you can use the mouse to–W-whoa! Wait, well–Holy crap!What? Ha!Okay, what's going on with these controls?Didn't I read in the manual that Isle of the Dead iseasily controlled with a Microsoft-compatible mouse?So, it turns out you'll want to crank downyour mouse-sensitivity settings if you can,and be sure to play it on a PC slow enoughso as not to make the game too twitchy.233 MHz Pentium II? Nope.386DX 25? Yes!Once the controls are under control,you'll notice that you're in a first-person shooter, without the shooting.There's some crap on the ground,some more identifiable than others,as well as a burning airplanethat you should totally climb insidebecause you just barely escaped with your life,so why not revisit the scene ofthe disaster for old time's sake?And now you're in point-and-click adventure game mode,which means you can use theuser interface and mouse cursorto interact with the environment as you see fit.Oh, yeah, and I hope you don'tmind the sight of cartoon bloodbecause right from the beginninghere you'll be seeing a lot of it.It's not exactly easy to tell whatitems are useable and what's not,but just click on everything andeventually you'll find some supplies.Like wire cutters, a phrase book, a flare gun,a compass, and a piece of bamboo– er...Uh, no, apparently they're adamant it's a machete.That's clearly a piece ofbam-friggin-boo. What the balls?Oh, yeah, I'm playing the later version here,which has a lot of littlecensorship changes going on.The newer version is missing loadsof graphically violent cutscenes,it turns the machete into a stick,and even cranks down the difficulty bygiving you a shotgun right at the start.So it's easier, but it's still theworst version in every other wayexcept that it has someslightly more tolerable music,so just go with the earlier versionif you want more content and challenge.Uh, yeah, and turn off the music either waybecause it will drive you absolutelyinsane with its impenetrable blandness.I'm sorry to break it to you, \"Skinny Man,\"but you've got a long way to go beforeyou reach \"Fat Man\" levels of awesome.So yeah, the game itself.Well, once you've collected everythingin the plane and on the beach,you are probably going to be stuckbecause the textures are horribly thought out.I mean, yes, the ocean looks like a big blue fence,but that's not even a problem compared to the jungle.What you want to do is look for these little texturesthat look a bit like vines,then go into your inventory,equip the bamboo-chete,and slice and dice to open the next area.Which looks almost exactlythe frickin' same as the last one.There's a map you canbring up, but it's quite possiblythe least useful methodof navigation I've ever seen.You get a vague yellow outline of the current areaand the position of you and any dead monsters,and that's it.The manual even encouragesyou to just draw your own map,since the jungle vine doors aren't shown on theirs.It seems like they couldn'tdecide if they wanted this gameto be a traditional adventure game, with no map,or a '90s first-person shooter with a full map.So they just went with neither, to spite you.Before long, you'll come across a cavewith some crap inside, most of whichis there just to screw your game up,so it's a good idea to save, like, every minute.Try to pick up a gun,get vaporized by an explosive tripwire.Try to use the gun,get your head blown offbecause the gun hasn't been oiled.You know, crap like this is all over the place,and while it's annoyingly trial-and-error,at least you get some fun cutscenesdrawn by cartoonist Myk Friedman.They get pretty friggin' graphic, too,like when you get eaten by zombies.And especially when you quit to DOS,which shows your guy pulling a Cobain,or Courtney Love, depending on your conspiracy.And yes, eventually you do run across the undead,since this is Isle of the Dead, after all.Er, maybe it should be Isle of theUndead, now that I think about it.But screw thinking, just kill thefreaks with your weapon of choice,which is going to be the rifle, shotgunor the ma-bam-chete-boo thing for a while.The zombies range from dumb to stupid,so they're really no problem aslong as you keep track of them.Chances are the only time you'll die hereis when you get swarmed by themor you don't notice there's onebehind you using your brainas avacado dip.And there's no useful indication of this happening,so it's a tad embarrassing how often this occurs.At least the undead themselves are somewhat fun,like the big surfer dude,being all dude-like when he dies.Surfer: Ow! Bummer, dude!- And this little kid who thinks you're his dad.Kid: Daddy?Kind of messed up, but itmakes it that much more satisfyingto blow them into chunks.This section plays well enough, I suppose,I mean, for an awkward,watered-down Wolfenstein clone, butof course, it gets old fast.Especially since all the enemiesrespawn every time you leave an area,so you'll want to keep an eye outfor slightly different wall textureswhich may possibly indicate adoor or passage of some kind.With any luck, one of these passageswill end up being a native settlement,guarded by two dudes who wantnothing more than to keep you out.Just use your phrase book on them,provided you picked it up earlier,then they'll make some joke abouteating you instead and let you inside.You may then proceed to lookaround the peaceful village,steal their food, watch them taking a dump,and murder their drummer boy in cold blood.Uh... yeah, no consequences for that,just pretend it didn't happen.One of the doors will lead to thetribe's perpetually-blazed chief,and it's here you're finally given a bit more narrative.Not that it really matters too much,because once you're done here,it's right back to the aggravating zombies,crappy music and confusing level design.Other than the occasional bitof fourth-wall-breaking humorand slight change of scenery,there's not much else to seein Isle of the Dead.Eventually the goal is to take down the evil scientistbehind the zombie outbreak and save thetoken large-chested, barely-clothed lady,which is about as cliched as it gets.And while a predictably campy story is fine by me,if the game is sufficiently entertaining along the way,in Isle of the Dead, it's just not.What you get with Isle of the Dead is a game that'slacking as a point-and-click adventuregame and lacking as a shooter.It's a jack of all trades and master of none.In fact, it's not even a six of diamonds of all tradesand a novice of none, it's just not much of anything.What kept me playing was tosee the over-the-top cartoonswhenever something horriblehappened to me and that's about it.Otherwise, it's a barely-passable experience at best,and an annoyance at worst.And while its reputation as one of theworst games ever made may be overkill,it's certainly not what I would call a good game.Isle of the Dead may have been somethingdecent to check out back in the dayif you had no proper adventuregames and no proper FPS games,but unfortunately for this game,those days are long gone.\n"