LGR - Extreme Wintersports - PC Game Review

"WEBVTTKind: captionsLanguage: enYou know, I haven't revieweda good *bad* game in a while.And you could hardly go worse than theones from HeadGames in the late '90s.So let's get right to another one.Extreme Wintersports,developed by Hammer Technologiesand published by HeadGames in 1999for Windows PCs.Well, SOME Windows PCs, at least.I actually tried to get this working on fourdifferent computers before I found a FIFTH onethat would run it without crashing.\"It's time to get extreme!\"HeadGames, K2, and Arctic Cathave teamed up to bring youa pathetic pile of junk,featuring graphics,sponsorships,website links.And yeah, this box is still sealed,having wisely been untouched by itsprevious owner for almost 18 years.I'm going to risk unleashing some ancientcurse in opening this thing up, though.And like other HeadGames garbage,all you get inside is a jewel case with a CDand an ad for more HeadGames garbage.It's like they were actually proud of this stuff.I mean, I take a bunch of craps too,but you don't see ME makinga photo compilation of them.HeadGames, though, they had no shame.And in case you're not familiar with them,this is the company that brought us the masterworksof Extreme PaintBrawl,Extreme Bullriderand Extreme Boards & Blades.All of which could easily fight for the titleof the least-competent sports game in existence.Extreme Wintersports, though,begins with a heavily compressed introvideo that appears to have been sourcedfrom a shoddy VHS tape.And before you know it, it's over.shoving you on to the main menualongside some utterly forgettable RAWK music.From here, you can enter the pro shop,proudly sponsored by Arctic Cat and K2.And yeah, inside it makes it immediately apparentthat branding is pretty muchthe only reason this game exists.In here, you can click on items around the shopand browse the catalog of equipmentand merchandise from our sponsors.Including snowmobiles, skis, jackets, gogglesand all sorts of accessories and trinketsthat have absolutely no bearingon the gameplay whatsoever.A majority of this stuff doesn't even appearin the game outside of this virtual catalog.It's just here to suddenly let you knowthat you've made a huge mistakeand somebody is making money off of it! Heh heh.Ah, man, I'm gettin' the warm and fuzzies inside.Clicking the door lets you actually play the game.And here, you're given the option to play multiplayer,competition mode, or...\"Practice mode~\"There are three sports to try of the \"snow\" variety–skiing, mobiling and boarding–each of which begins withanother ripped VHS tape intro.Then make your binary gender choice,select an equipment and track option, and off you go![camera-recorded PC speakers playingsame crappy in-game \"rock\" music]:\"Three!\":\"One!\":\"Go!!\":(this was legit my first reaction):\"How do these games keep getting worse?!\":It turns out, this game has a bit of a problemwhen it comes to performance.Even on a system that easilyexceeds the recommended specs,it's gone from being measured in frames per secondto seconds per frame!Impressive, in a way.Obviously something was up,so I tried the included MMX graphics modeand it didn't run much better,even though it was lacking all the textures.And is it just me, or is this kind of animprovement to the game's aesthetic?Kind of like a low-fi, minimalist representationof winter sporting events.This could be an indie Greenlight darling in no time!Anyway, the best option I foundon my 233 MHz Pentium II systemwith a 16 MB Voodoo3 cardis Direct3D HAL mode, which makes sense,but even with everything cranked down as low as it'll go,it STILL doesn't run very well.Not that I really care enough to keep screwingwith it any longer and make it any smootherbecause no matter what,the gameplay is one big pile of farts.So the overall goal of Extreme Wintersports is...to waste your time.I'm not even being hyperbolic.This is a game that has absolutely no goal whatsoeverand it makes you feel bad doing it.There's no narrative, nothing to unlock,no sporting events to take part in.There aren't even any AI characters to play withor compare your times against.Nope, you're either playing all aloneor you're playing with another human being locallyor over modem or LAN with multiplayer.And if you can actually find another person thatwillfully plays this with you, then hold them.Hold them close.Buy them a present and tell themthey're the best, because my God!Alright, so the mechanics are as primitiveas the gameplay.There are buttons for movingforward, backward, left and right–surprisingly–and sometimes even an option for jumping.But forget everything you know aboutactual physics interactions or momentumbecause they don't exist!You can stop and go in an instant,smacking into walls will rapidlypush you in a random direction,and you'll find yourself constantlyfighting the level geometry,getting stuck and falling victim toweird boundary boxes left and right.It doesn't matter if you're on asnowmobile, skiing or snowboardingbecause every single modefollows the same stupid rulesthat don't make any sense except herein this messed-up HeadGames world.There is at least an option to play in first-person mode,which actually does help the performance a bit.But it makes the gameplay even worse, somehow.And it keeps getting worse ifyou play the snowboarding modethat allows you to perform tricks and stunts.At least it allows this in theory,since it uses a cryptic keycombination and timing schemethat makes the Enigma Code looklike a drug store crossword puzzle.And when you do pull off a stunt, I mean, so what?It's not like you're rewarded withanything but more crappy gameplay.And you know how you canchoose male or female characters?Well, Extreme Wintersports goes aboveand beyond when it comes to equality.Here's the male player's voice...:\"Cool!\"And here's the female voice...:\"Cool!\"Heh heh! I'll give them the benefit ofthe doubt and say they ran out of time.Although apparently they had plentyof time to make the lady snowboardergo outside in a bra and a G-string.SO EXTREME!And if it wasn't obvioushow much of a sucker you arefor continuing to play this game,any time you screw up,you'll be greeted with this::\"Ah, you loser!\"...Or this:: \"Too bad, dude!\"\"You loser!\"You know, with this many utterances ofthe word \"loser\" throughout the game,it really makes me wonder about the mindsetof some of the people developing this.Or at the very least a warningsign that the person playinghas made poor choices when buying this game.\"You loser!\" \"You loser!\" \"You loser!\"And that is Extreme Wintersports.It runs awfully, it plays even worse,and it even fails at its central missionof piquing my interest in its corporate sponsorsof Arctic Chill or K9,or whatever those companies were.Oddly enough, it's still not the worstoffender in the HeadGames library,but that's a little bit like saying Gary Ridgwayisn't the worst serial killer in history.It's still patently awful and makesme wanna gag at the mere thought.But still, it was released,critically panned and forgotten,and provides a fun piece of cannonfodder for YouTubers to facepalm at.The world may never seeanother Extreme Wintersports again,and we can thank our lucky stars for that.Oh, what the f***, there's a SEQUEL?!(sort of!)You know, I'm not entirely sure when I'm gonnaget around to covering the follow up to this,but it's gonna happen, so stay tuned.Or check out some of these other videosif you would care to watch these other videos.Because I make these other videos.And as always, thank you very much for watching.\n"